I have been dealing with Anxiety for most of my life, though I didn’t know what it was until about a month ago. I have attacks at random and am convinced the whole world is against me. I know it’s not, but that is what my problem is. It makes it hard for me to have a relationship or even make new friends as I just think everyone is plotting my downfall. It makes it hard to work also as I don’t trust co-workers either. I don’t even trust people who have been my friends forever. It’s hard.
For me I was dealing well with it until about 2 years ago when I started seeing someone and everyone I knew kept telling me everything he did. It was a long distance thing so we decided we would be allowed to see other people and just kind of get to know each other. I had met him before I moved to go to school and we got along well. Neither of us was in a hurry for a relationship so it worked out at first.
The problem came when people decided on their own that we were together and then the phone calls and text started. Two maybe three times a week I heard about him off with someone else. Then the rumors about him in relationships with other girls and it just got to be too much. It got worse when I moved back as my friends had already decided I should not be around this guy as they didn’t like him and they just pushed and pushed. Now the guy ended up not being the greatest with me, but he’s now in a very committed relationship and I am still going though guy after guy wondering what is wrong with me. At least now I know.
My problem is simple, the minute anyone else is involved or I find out they know a guy I’m interested in I’m done. I snap and I panic. Even on meds I’m still doing this, but it’s only been a month and we had to reduce my meds so I can afford them, so I’m still in that waiting stage. If it still does not help I will be letting my doctor know and just going into a ton of debt that I will never pay. My health is more important then paying my bills right now, because the other choice is a gun in my mouth and I really don’t want to do that.
Anyway my point here is that everyone with Anxiety is different. This is how mine effects me, I have had many other issues that have contributed to this most centered around men who have treated me badly and that’s why I think it’s more noticeable with men, but it happens under any stress. When I first went to get my meds my credit card wouldn’t work. I couldn’t breath and started shaking and I thought someone was going to yell at me. I left the store and got my checkbook and calmed down. Then I was okay, but my pharmacy is very helpful and they make sure they get me what I need without a lot of stress. Its very nice.
I am hoping to start working soon, though I’m scared that I’m going to have to quit again because of this, but I’m going to try. I really need to see a physiatrist, but unfortunately they are expensive and I just can’t afford it. I know this will be a long road, but I want to share it with everyone so those with Anxiety and depression see that others are also dealing with this and they are not alone. I have known too many people who have given into their depression and ended their life’s. If I can help keep someone from doing that by sharing my story, then I will. If you know me, you know I’m a private person and don’t share much, so this is hard for me, but I am going to do this.
*Images take from SmartDriving.uk
Big hugs! I, too, have dealt with anxiety…which is why I’ve been pursuing my job online–I am awkward and clumsy in person which makes me nervous around everybody.
You’re inspiring! Let me know if you ever want to chat.
I am hoping to build up my online work and be able to make an income from it. Unfortunately I have $100,000 in student loans so I would have to make a lot, the good news is I may be able to get back into Walmart where I worked years ago and still have many friends there so I hope it wont be so bad. It will also let me do more blogging and my direct sales stuff too!
Hello Holly,
My heart goes out to you; I suffer from anxiety and have done so for over 20 years and now know that I have actually suffered from it all my life and only realized it 20 years ago and I am not 53! You are well on your way to managing it, though, because you have already realized that everyone who suffers from anxiety is different.It took me a long time to accept that and to learn to deal with it and any guilt you may feel about it is only going to put you back in the anxiety cycle. I truly understand your hesitation about work and if I can ease your mind, it is not only possible, it is quite doable as long as you accept right now that you will still have anxious moments, but that if you learn your breathing exercises and stay focused on dealing with anxiety rather than thinking that it will go away, you will do just fine. I have not had a panic attack in over 4 years, but I have had two wicked cycles of it, one when my father passed away and my mom simply did not accept widowhood and that she had to want to live to have a good quality of life. We had a complete role reversal and I did not see it. I fell back into my anxiety cycle and had to go back to psychotherapy briefly only to realize that I had all the tools, just too stressed to stop and breathe and think. After only 5 sessions I was back in control and my life got back to normal. The other unfortunate truth I discovered is that even if other people can be sympathetic, the only person who can really understand you and what you specifically are going through is either a professional or someone who has been through it themselves. If it ever helps you to reach out to someone else who has been through it, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
Marie-Claude Barnabe
Montreal, Canada
I’ve been blogging more about mental health issues and I can tell you, you are not alone. <3 Don't feel ashamed and remember, I honestly think more people have it than don't