A couple of weeks ago I decided to delete my online dating profiles and try to meet some men in the real world. I thought that maybe it was just the guys that I found online who for some reason really didn’t want to date, they just wanted some fun.
The problem is the guys offline don’t see me or are just not attracted to me. Last week I made myself go out for my lunch, normally I work during the lunch hour, but because I was filling in somewhere else I actually got a lunch during lunch. I was excited and ready to see if I could do anything.
I failed… Horribly, I couldn’t seem to make eye contact and it was just sad, so today I tried again since again I got a lunch, this time I was at my work location and frankly it was so busy I’m lucky I found a place to eat. I ended up running into a grocery store and eating in my car. Yes, another fail.
So I tried again to do some shopping after work, but late enough that it shouldn’t be too busy. That was the time I was told to go out. That after all is when the single guys are out shopping.
Well, they were and I was excited until I realized I’m fat and fat girls don’t get hit on at the grocery store, no matter what is in their cart. I walked by three different men all smiled at me for a second until they looked down. Then they turned away with a look of disgust. I felt humiliated for even thinking someone would find me attractive. I didn’t think I was that bad, but today was a horrible day anyway. I had a small breakdown/ anxiety attack while on my lunch and stuck in traffic. I had to hear about my co-workers engagement, I’m happy for her, but I just kept thinking how I wish I could just meet one guy who would spend more then a week with me.
I’m extremely depressed, but I can’t afford help. I know I need it. I’m not suicidal though many times a day I wish I were dead. I’ve dealt with this long enough to know I won’t do it, at least not until things get much, much worse.
So as you now know I’m having no luck. I can’t just go to a bar or something alone either, it’s too much for my anxiety, but I have no single-no kids friends anymore. It’s lonely but I don’t think there is a thing I can do about it.
You know what’s really sad. I can say all of this and know my friends and family will never read it. They don’t read my blog, they don’t care.